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Comments on essays and marking criteria（第一篇、第二篇、第三篇、第四篇、第五篇） |
 Essay A |
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第一篇作文：
Volunteers Make Great Difference to the Olympics |
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The Olympics are coming and it will certainly be a momentous occasion in Chinese history. Everyone is enthusiastic and willing to work hard； everyone wants to make the Beijing Olympics successful.
Volunteerism enriches a person’s life and it is a once-in-a-life experience. My friend has an honor to be a volunteer for the 2008 Beijing Olympic Games. She has taken a lot of special training. In the mornings, they usually do textbook work. In the afternoons, they use multimedia and do other activities that focus on special topics like Olympic English. It gets boring if you do the same thing over and over again, and studying several hours a day, several days a week, can be quite taxing. The courses are very intensive, so adding some variety makes it more fun and interesting. They will provide heart-to-heart services for athletes, members of the Olympic Family and all the visitors and guests.
The Olympic movement is a movement of voluntary workers, who constitute the cornerstone of the Olympic Games. Without volunteers, the Olympic movement could hardly be successful. Through close cooperation the Olympics and its volunteers will achieve win-win. I’m proud of her being able to participate in such a great event as the Olympic Games. As voluntary work is complicated, meticulous, painstaking and tedious, it requires whole-hearted devotion. Through our high-level voluntary service, they will work hard for the operation of the Olympics, and make contributions for its success. They will seek for happiness in their dedication and make whole-hearted contributions in their merriment. Voluntary workers are image envoys of the Olympic Games. And their smile is the best name card of Beijing. Through their excellent service, they will display the spiritual characteristics of the Chinese people.
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| Spelling and punctuation |
5 |
The spelling and punctuation are excellent. |
| Accuracy of grammar |
4.5 |
The grammar is mostly accurate. Some personal pronouns are ambiguous because it is not clear “who” the writer is referring to. |
| Variety and use of vocabulary |
4 |
There is a wide variety of vocabulary and in most cases it is used correctly. However, the writer has used some archaic expressions (volunteerism and merriment) that are inappropriate. There are also examples of words that are misused. “Win-win” is used as a noun when it is, in fact an adjective and “heart-to-heart” does not make sense in this context. It is important to have a clear understanding of vocabulary before including it in a composition. |
| Fluency (coherence and cohesion) |
3 |
The misuse of some pronouns affects the coherence of the text. The writer needs to include some conjunctions to link together ideas within sentences and paragraphs. |
| How well the topic was answered |
2 |
The essay did not include a greeting to the people who are going to visit Beijing. There is no reference to London 2012. Therefore the topic is only partly covered. To avoid this in future the writer might consider underlining key words in the question as a reminder of what needs to be included. |
| Percentage |
74% |
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| Ranking |
Fourth |
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| Essay B |
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第二篇作文：
Olympic-gala for communication |
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When I was 5 years old I heard a word Olympic, actually I had no idea about it at all.
“Is that a gala?” I asked my uncle. “Yes” he smiled. “So what kind of gala is it?” I added, “Is it kinda gala where kids can get all sorts of toys for free?”
“No, it’s a gala for thoughts and cultures, well, that’s just too complicated for you, just remember it’s a gala for communication.” My uncle smiled again.
I nodded and pretended to understand but I was a little bit confused since I could only see athletes competing with each other rather than communication.
4 years later, on seeing athletes from North Korea and South Korea walking into the stadium with their hands joined together in Atlanta, I suddenly understood something.
Despite the fact that DPRK and South Korea had fierce ideological conflicts on many issues, in this gala they were still able to communicate with each other in a very friendly atmosphere.
Without this gala of communication, people from North Korea and South Korea now might still have many severe conflicts, they might not have connected their railways together, and families departed by the Korean War wouldn’t be able to gather again.
Without Communication, there would only be misunderstanding, doubts and conflicts.
For the coming August Gala in Beijing, the feature of communication becomes more important.
It’s unfortunate that some countries treat China as a threat. The August gala will act as a bridge for a better communication between western world and us； what’s more, it will also be a bridge for countries that have controversies to communicate with each other so that misunderstanding and bias will be replaced by understanding and even friendship.
That’s what that gala is about! It’s all about communication. Regardless of the color of your skin, regardless of the language you speak, regardless of the religion you practice, it’s a communication for different cultures, for different thoughts, and its ultimate goal is quite clear, that is communication and understanding for us human beings!
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| Spelling and punctuation |
5 |
The spelling and punctuation are excellent. |
| Accuracy of grammar |
5 |
The writer has used accurate grammatical structures throughout the whole article. Some of the structures are quite complicated. The writer shows an understanding of how English grammar works, using a variety of tenses, conditionals and modal verbs. An example of such a sentence is: “Without communication there would only be misunderstanding, doubts and conflicts”. The writer’s correct use of prepositions after certain nouns (regardless of, a bridge for better ….) is also very good especially when you consider the problems that many learners of English have with prepositions. |
| Variety and use of vocabulary |
4 |
4 The writer has used some interesting phrases such as “fierce ideological conflicts”. There is also evidence of an understanding of collocations. For example the writer says “friendly atmosphere, severe conflicts, the religion you practice” (sic). Some words have been misused (departed, controversies) and sometimes a word such as “gather” sounds old fashioned. We would probably use “get together” or “reunite” (but we do not use “reunite” with “again”). |
| Fluency (coherence and cohesion) |
3 |
The writer uses some good linking devices to join paragraphs (“Despite the fact that”) and ideas within sentences (“since”, “I added”, “what’s more”). However, it is unclear as to how many paragraphs there are in the article and where some paragraphs begin and end. Sub-headings are a useful way of organizing an article into recognizable sections so that the reader finds it easier to follow. |
| How well the topic was answered |
2 |
Unfortunately the writer has not included any greeting to the people coming to Beijing nor is there any mention of London 2012 so the article is not complete. |
| Percentage |
76% |
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| Ranking |
Third |
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| Essay C |
第三篇作文
My Beijing Olympics and our Greeting to London 2012 |
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The Beijing Olympics is coming, and once I wondered what I can do to the great event. “One World One Dream”，and the Olympics belongs to people all over the world.
My Admiration
Guo Nan, my elementary school classmate, now does her work in Beijing Foreign Language University. I admire Guo for her having been chosen as a volunteer for the Beijing games. One handsome boy, also from my hometown in Changzhou, was an Olympic torchbearer for the Relay Race in Nanjing.
My Feelings Now
But it didn’t take me long to find something I can do. I have written several blogs, such as Changzhounese and the Beijing Games, on MySpace. Besides, I chat with Jennifer, an American lady, living in London, about the history of the host city, Beijing, the story of Guo, etc. The friendly lady encourages me to write more and introduces my blogs to her e-pals. Thanks to Jennie for her kindness so much. So, now I no longer feel down. My international friends also start to learn more about the history of China. In this way, I have tried my best to make a difference.
To My International Friends: Welcome to Beijing
I should admit that I haven’t been to the capital city. The city, well known for the Great Wall, the Forbidden City, and the Birds’ Nest, has witnessed a lot of changes since its establishment. And, your eyes maybe always popped out when you walking in streets in the modern city. Now the Opening Ceremony of the Games is around the corner, and so, I am eager to land on the earth of the city soon.
Welcome to Beijing, share every piece of its joy, and experience the vigor of the country.
Greeting to London 2012
Known as the capital city of the Great Britain, London attracts enormous visitors every year. Either the Heathrow Airport, or famous bookshops on the town, is full of people of various nations from different courtiers. Wish the London 2012 Olympics a success!
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| Spelling and punctuation |
4.5 |
The spelling is excellent throughout the whole article and the punctuation is also very good although there are some commas throughout the article which are not needed. The writer might like to look back through the text and see which commas are needed and which are misplaced. |
| Accuracy of grammar |
4 |
The grammar is mostly accurate and the writer shows evidence of having a good understanding of how English grammar works, especially in a sentence such as “I should admit that I haven’t been to the capital city” and “I admire Guo for her having been chosen …” There are some errors in the grammar. For example “could” should replace “can” in the sentence “It didn’t take me long to find something I can do”. Also, the sentence should read “your eyes may pop out” rather than “your eyes maybe always popped out”. |
| Variety and use of vocabulary |
3.5 |
The writer uses a good variety of appropriate vocabulary such as “torchbearer” and “witnessed a lot of changes”. There are also some incidents of misused vocabulary such as “establishment” or “enormous visitors” which suggests large people rather than a large number of people. |
| Fluency (coherence and cohesion) |
4 |
The article is fluent and easy to read. The writer uses sub-headings which help the reader to navigate though the text. It is clear that the writer spent time organizing ideas and putting them into a logical order. There are also plenty of linking devices in evidence with words like “and”, “so”, but” and “also”. Words of this kind help make a text more cohesive. |
| How well the topic was answered |
4.5 |
The topic was answered very well. The writer uses the original title proposed and has made sure that everything is included. There is a welcome for the people visiting Beijing and the article closes with a greeting to London 2012. |
| Percentage |
82% |
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| Ranking |
First |
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| Essay D |
第四篇作文
Olympics is coming! |
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When the information that Chain had got the chance to hold the 29th Olympic came to our ears, we were all excited to death. From 2001 we began to say that Olympic was coming. Now with the expect of all Chinese, Olympic is coming .
For the last years many people have joined the work about the Olympic .And I am one of them. As a high school student I can＇t help in the construction of the CUBE WATER ,the NEST ,etc, but I have also done something for the Olympic.
Because there will be many foreigners during the Olympic ,my classmates and I decided to do something that could show Chinese culture and Chinese people’s welcome. On last summer holiday we came to streets to tell people something about the Olympic and teach the old some easy English words everyday. We had held a concert for the Peking Opera to develop the old culture of the motherland .Now there are more youths learning the Peking Opera and I believe that this culture will last forever. In another hand we had done something to improve the environment to contribute to building our motherland.
I know what I have done is negligible and that here are people making a difference, so I must study hard to make a great contribution to my motherland. In fact love is the same and if our love comes together, we can build a strong Great Wall.
Now, Olympic is coming and Chain will be higher, stronger and farther!
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| Spelling and punctuation |
4.5 |
The spelling and punctuation are quite good throughout the whole article but there is one error that is particularly noticeable because of its prominence and importance in the text: The word “China”, which has been spelled “Chain”. The writer should be careful about such key words. |
| Accuracy of grammar |
3.5 |
The grammar is mostly accurate but there are a few areas with quite basic errors. Unfortunately the first of these is in the title, “Olympics is coming!” The correct title should read “The Olympics are coming!” “Olympics” is plural because it refers to the games and it always needs a definite article. The writer should take care not to make a mistake in the title of a composition as this gives a negative first impression. There are other instances of omitted articles. The writer has also used the past perfect tense in a couple of cases where the present perfect should be used. The writer has demonstrated a good understanding of how prepositions are used in English (construction of, tell people something about, etc.). |
| Variety and use of vocabulary |
3 |
There is a variety of interesting vocabulary such as “construction”, “motherland”, etc. Some of the vocabulary has, however, been used incorrectly and this confuses the reader at times. “Expect” is a verb and the writer needs a noun here – “expectation”. “Negligible” is incorrect and a word like “insignificant” should be used in this context. The expression “on the other hand” has also been misused. The writer says “In another hand”. It is important to know exactly how an idiomatic expression is used before including it in a composition. Unfortunately there are a few noticeable errors in the final sentence. China will not be “higher” – this implies that the country will be elevated geographically, nor “further” – China will not be moving at all. |
| Fluency (coherence and cohesion) |
3.5 |
The article is reasonably fluent because the writer has divided the text into paragraphs. It might be a good idea for the paragraphs to be more obvious. The writer could use spaces for this or could indent the first line of each new paragraph. Sub-headings are useful for making a text more coherent, especially an article of this kind. The writer has not used any conjunctions so might consider using them in future writing. |
| How well the topic was answered |
2.5 |
Unfortunately the writer has not fully answered the topic because there is no mention of London 2012. Careful planning would have helped the writer to remember this. |
| Percentage |
68% |
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| Ranking |
Fifth |
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| Essay E |
第五篇作文
One Nation, One Cause |
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As a matter of fact, most of us must have heard of the well-known slogan of the 29th Olympic Games, “One World, One Dream”. But today, I want to share another one with you, that is my topic “One Nation, One Cause”.
Since the memorable year 2001, China has captured the whole world’s attention with the approach of the 2008 Olympic Games, and now the whole nation is concerntrating on a universal cause – volunteer.
We Chinese enthusiasm for this labor of love is rather amazing. A good case in point is these following static. Till March 4th, over 1 million people had applied for volunteers at the Beijing Olympic and Paralympics Games, ranking the largest response in history. Besides, more than 1.2 million have filled in applications to be “City Volunteers“. They devote their passion, energy, time and even their personal lives to the Beijing Olympic. When asked of the reason, nine out of ten will give you a definite answer – love. Yes, it is love, the love for this united nation, the love for the whole world, the love for human being’s harmony and common development, that drive them to this lofty cause.
Though we may stand a chance in a million to be an Olympic volunteer, don’t let ourselves down, we can simply be “amateur volunteers” by ourselves, and there is far more we can do than expected. Just let the Olympic spirit penetrate into our everyday life, just let the Olympic spirit ring in every corner of the world! For instance, at the very moment, we can focus great attention on the preparing process, let our thoughts wander around and deliver our creative thinking to the Beijing Organizing Committee. A moment’s reflection, or a little more thinking, we shall surely make a difference.
So, no hesitation, no reservation, this nation has made, is making and will always make the cause – volunteer its everlasting priority!
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| Spelling and punctuation |
5 |
The spelling and punctuation throughout the article is excellent. The word “concentrate” is misspelled but this might have been a typo (a typing error). |
| Accuracy of grammar |
4 |
The grammar is mostly accurate. The writer demonstrates a sound knowledge of how English grammar works, using fairly complicated structures such as “most of us must have heard of …” and “Till March 4th, over 1 million people had applied for …”
In some instances the writer uses incorrect prepositions, such as “asked of” instead of “asked for” or “penetrate into” instead of just “penetrate”. |
| Variety and use of vocabulary |
3.5 |
The article has a lot of interesting and varied vocabulary and the writer has used some good expressions such as “labor of love” and “nine out of ten”. However, there are a few words that are incorrect. “We Chinese enthusiasm” should be “The Chinese enthusiasm” (this could be a typing error but if so the writer should have picked up on it while reading through the finished version). The writer is using “volunteer” instead of “volunteering” too. A volunteer is a person who volunteers. We usually use “volunteering” as a noun. “As a matter of fact” in the first line is also awkward. Maybe the correct expression could be something like “I am sure”. |
| Fluency (coherence and cohesion) |
3.5 |
The article is quite fluent but it could be better. There are paragraphs but it would be better if they were more defined, either by adding spaces or indenting the first line of each paragraph. Sub-headings are always useful in an article of this kind too. The writer uses some good linking phrases such as “A good case in point” and “for instance”. |
| How well the topic was answered |
3 |
The topic was answered reasonably well but once again there is no mention of a welcome to the visitors or of a greeting to London 2012. Therefore the article is incomplete. |
| Percentage |
78% |
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| Ranking |
Second |
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